Trio of Idiot
by PsychicInu
Summary: Ninten, Ness, and Lucas are the ultimate retards. Ninten likes killing things and eating Oreos, Ness loves baseball and Mr. Saturns, and Lucas fakes innocence just so he can be ultra loud! How do other people deal with the fact that these three won't shut up?
1. New Best Friend

**Inu: new stories are weird. Especially since I'm writing this story because I was watching Kill Me Baby and yeah...**

**~START~**

"Ninten! Did you know there's a new student today?" Ana asked excitedly. She wore her normal pink dress and matching pink hat with her hair in pigtails.

"Pah, why do I care?" Ninten shrugged. Ninten wore his red, white, and blue striped shirt with his red bandana and red and blue hat tilted backwards with bangs sticking out. "New kids are like...spaghetti. It's awesome, but it you eat too fast, you'll burn your tongue."

"What kind of analogy was that?" Loid asked. Loid, as always, wore his red turtleneck and nerd like glass.

"Heck if I know!" Ninten laughed.

"Okay everyone, listen up!" The teacher called. "This is our new student." Next to her was a boy, he nad raven hair and violet eyes; he wore a yellow and blue striped shirt and shorts with a red and blue cap pointed forwards, he also seemed to have his backpack on and didn't look like he was taking it off anytime soon.

"Hello! My name is Ness and I like baseball!" The boy, Ness, introduced himself. "Fuzzy pickles!" With that, he gave the class a peace sign.

"Well Ness, you can sit by Ninten over there." The teacher smiled. "Ninten, raise your hand."

"My hand broke. I can't." Ninten replied, though his voice made his location evident to the new student.

"Hello! I'm—"

"I know who you are, I was paying attention." Ninten rolled his eyes. "The name's Ninten, though I'm more known as the Oreo lover or the murderer. Don't test me, got it?"

"Okay..." Ness nodded and glanced away. Ninten was an interesting person in the least, maybe he just wasn't good with people! "Hey Ninten—"

"I have plenty of friends, thanks." Ninten rolled his eyes. "Anyways Ness, leave me alone before I stab you." Ninten pulled out part of a pocket knife that was in his pocket, which Ness looked away immediately.

"Sorry about him, he's a bit of a tsundere sometimes. I'm Ana." Ana apologized. "He's also a major yandere, we've been trying to work on his anger issues since we first met him..."

"I'm Loid, his best friend." Loid grinned happily.

"I'm—"

"We know who you are."

"O-Oh right, I just introduced myself! Stupid me!" Ness laughed.

~WEEKS LATER~

"Ness, that's my cheese sandwich!" Ninten exclaimed, giving him a glare.

"But it's a donation to the starving children!" Ness protested. "Come on Nin, the children!"

"We're the same age!" Ninten reminded. "Fine. Take it. I didn't want it anyways..." He took out a bag of Oreos and began to eat them. "Oreos are way better anyways!"

"In your dreams!" Ness smirked.

"Yeah, in my dreams. My dreams are wonderful." Ninten shrugged. "You're dead in all of them."

"Those are weird dreams, dude." Ness laughed. "After all, what would you do without me~? You'd be lost."

"I'd be lost? In lost woods!" Ninten beamed. "Where be my ocarina!?"

"You don't bring your ocarina to school." Ness pointed out. "Besides, you can't even play it cuz of asthma."

"At least I can play an instrument! You and your gay sound stone!" Ninten crossed his arms, giving a smirk. "I play guitar too, ya know."

"I do too play an instrument!" Ness corrected. "Um...I play drums."

"So does the rest of the world, genius. The drums is literally just hit it!" Ninten sighed heavily. "Why are we friends?"

"Because...I was super overly annoying about becoming friends with you because everyone wants to be friends with killers that have anger issues." Ness explained. "And that is what brings us to today. Hello, my name is—"

"Stop introducing yourself, it's weird." Ninten interrupted.

"But...my dream job is to be a greeter at Wal-Mart..." Ness mumbled. "Why are you ruining my dreams!?" Ninten just rolled his eyes and went back to eating Oreos silently.

**~END~**

**Inu: there we go, the idiot duo. Now we just need their blond friend (Lucas) and we'll have our full set of retards!**


	2. Welcome Lucas, the timid and hyper!

One strange day at school, and like always, Ninten was chasing Ness down the hall. "Ness! I swear to god! You're dead this time!"

"But Nin! Don't kill me! We're best friends!" Ness groaned. "Think about all the good times we've had together!"

"Name ten!" Ninten commanded as he crossed his arms and gave Ness a glare. The raven haired boy thought for a bit. There was always...no, he ended up stealing that from Ninten...oh! The time when...no, Ninten slapped him that time.

"Eh...that's hard." Ness mumbled, giving a sheepish smile. "Why ten?"

"My name is Ninten for a reason. I want ten moments that we actually got along so I won't kill you now." Ninten shrugged, taking out his pocket knife casually.

"Ack! Nin, you can't have that in school!" Ness exclaimed. "Or for that matter, take it out during school!"

"I'll do what I want." Ninten rolled his eyes. "Time is ticking, Ness. After all, your time's almost up."

"U-Um, what about when we poured colored water on Jeff and he got really mad at us?" Ness stated uncertainly. Ninten thought for a bit, closing his eyes to concentrate; that only made Ness more nervous.

"That's one." Ninten finally spoke. "One out of ten."

"O-Or the time I gave you Oreos because I wasn't hungry?"

"Two."

"And the time we went to the park and made Loid spin until he threw up!"

"Three."

"And we played Pokemon together!"

"Four."

"And when we beat Teddy with a fish!"

"Five."

"And when we spent the day pretending to be Phoenix Wright and Maya!"

"Six."

"And when I let you stab me for fun!"

"Seven."

"And when we were Team Rocket!"

"Eight."

"A-And...when we were singing Popipo during recess."

"Nine." Ninten opened his eyes again, giving his friend that same glare. "One more."

"Um...um..." Ness tried to think of something but couldn't come up with anything. All the memories of being stabbed by Ninten or laughing at pranks pulled on Ninten flashed in Ness' mind, he couldn't think of a good memory!

"Does it really matter?" A timid yet hyper voice asked. Both Ness and Ninten glanced in the direction of the voice, seeing a blond boy with blue eyes; he wore a red and yellow striped shirt and had shorts and tennis shoes. "Friends are meant to kill the other and never have good memories with each other!"

"Um...okay?" Ninten muttered. "And who are you?"

"I'm Lucas~! The fabulous younger twin that everyone thinks is timid and quiet but I'm really hyper and stupid!" He beamed. "And you two are?"

"I'm Ninten."

"Ness!"

"Nice to meet you both~!" Lucas smiled. Ninten gave him a weird look, which just made the happy boy laugh. "What? I didn't do anything!"

"You're...kinda freaking me out." Ninten muttered. "I've never seen anyone so...happy. It's scary."

"I think so too actually." Ness shrugged. "But hey! You wanna be our new best friend, Lucas!?"

"Sure!" Lucas shouted, covering his mouth directly afterwards. "Sorry, I'm a bit loud..."

"Lucas, you are an interesting child..." Ninten shook his head. "One that I will never understand."

~IN THE FUTRUE~

That was months ago, now the trio were best of friends. Of course, Ninten was still a killer, Ness was still the idiot, and Lucas was still...unpredictable. "Guys! Let's go skydiving into a volcano!" Lucas suggested.

"Um...yeah—no." Ninten rolled his eyes. "You want to do it, take Ness. He's always wanted to see lava up close and personal."

"What!? No!" Ness exclaimed. "I never wanted to do that! Why don't we just go to the zoo?"

"Ooh, can we get in the animal cages?" Lucas asked excitedly.

"No!" Ness and Ninten shouted.

Ninten, being the more logical one, decided to try and get weird ideas out of Lucas' mind. "Look Lucas, we are gonna go to my house and—"

"Use your knife collection to play pin the knife on the Ness!?" Lucas beamed.

"I'd enjoy that, but no." Ninten refused. "We're going to my house and we're going to play Kirby. It's going to be calm and not filled with hating each other. Honestly, calm the frick down before I'm forced to stab you."

"So I'm not getting stabbed?" Ness questioned.

"For now? No." Ninten replied. Sadly, the planned events didn't seem to satisfy Lucas still.

"But after we play Kirby, can we—"

"No." Ness sighed.

"Okay..." Lucas mumbled, glancing away. "I just wanted to have some fun..."


	3. Fate, Provided By Ninten

"Good morning everyone~! I'm Lucas, the one and only blond haired hero!" Lucas beamed.

"What about the other blond haired heroes in gaming?" Ness asked.

"There's aren't any other! It's just me!"

"Yeah there are! Like Li—"

"No! Just me!"

"I jus—"

"Shut up Ness! For the PK Love of Giygas!"

"What...?"

"Konnichiwa~!" Ninten walked up to the group. "¿Qué pasa?"

"¿Nada, y tú?" Lucas replied, giving a smile.

"I speak English!" Ness exclaimed.

"Anata wa Baka-desu." Ninten rolled his eyes. "So guys, how's life?"

"Can I use NinCopyright?" Lucas replied, Ninten giving a nod. "It's lifey!"

"Of course it is!" Ninten laughed. "So, I have the best idea ever and it's awesomely fun!"

"Throwing Ness as a sacrifice to the gods of volcanoes!?" Lucas exclaimed.

"Um...no." Ninten muttered.

"Why is Lucas always out to get me!?" Ness shouted.

"Silence! Ness-desu, you'll be fine!" Ninten assured. "Ninten the ultimate shall protect chu."

"...I feel like I should be relieved by that, but I'm not..." Ness sighed.

"Exactly! Anyways~! Continuing on. Let's...go bother Clausy~!" Ninten smirked.

"Ninten said my name and now I'm scared." Claus walked into the room, coming to the group.

"Hi brother!" Lucas waved obnoxiously, his entire arm moving so fast it could fling off and hit Ness in the face.

"Why am I related to you!?" Claus exclaimed. "You're so stupid!"

"That's...that's so mean!" Lucas mumbled, tears starting to prick in his eyes. "Why do you hate me!? All I ever do is try to be the best brother ever!" Tears starting to fall from the blomd's eyes as he sobbed. "Ninten's my new brother!"

"You're only saying that cuz I have a lot of cool stuff..." Ninten pointed out.

"I know I am but it's okay!" Lucas sobbed. "We're brothers now! Ness is an orphan!"

"I have my own family!" Ness growled.

"Don't yell at me!" Lucas replied, sobbing even louder. "I've never done anything to you!"

"You tried killing me seven times!" Ness reminded.

"He does have a good point." Ninten nodded, crossing his arms. "Look, let's all settle our differences in—"

"A battle to the death!?"

"Lucas. No. I'm the killer, and even I'm more civilized!" Ninten sighed. "We are going to compete the fun way, aka the Ninten way." He smirked before pulling something from his pocket, showing it to the other three. It was a bunch of fortune cookies. "Custom made, pick one and allow fate to choose your path."

"Um...okay." The other three muttered in unison before grabbing one.

"I-I'll open mine first!" Ness bravely volunteered, cracking the cookie open as his body froze and he went pale. "Y-You will die a slow and painful death by the hands of your friend!? Oh my god no!"

"There's your life then..." Ninten laughed. "These have never been wrong~!"

"Or are they just styled to kill everyone?" Claus muttered, rolling his eyes. "I know how you are, Nin."

"I swear, they aren't!" Ninten assured. "Look, Lucas didn't get a bad one!"

"Mine says you will earn great pleasure disguised in a painful experience!" Lucas pouted.

"Exactly." Ninten stated, taking out his knife. "Who wants to carve a Mr. Saturn on Lucas?"

"I do!" Ness exclaimed, raising his hand. "Can we? Can we?"

"Maybe one day." Ninten smiled, petting Ness' head. "Don't worry Ness-desu, it'll be okay. We'll kill Lucas one day."

"You're such a murderer." Claus rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and you don't trust my fortune cookies." Ninten sighed heavily. "C'mon dude, do it. Open it."

"Fine..." Claus gave in, opening the cookie. "You will receive a strange present? Oh god..."

"Claus-Claus!" Ana chimed, running up to him. "This is an 'I'm sorry' present for Ninten's stupidity the other day!" She held out a present, which Claus took with hesitation.

"Silence woman!" Ninten griped. "I'm not stupid!"

"Weirdo..." Claus took a deep breath before opening it. "What the frick is this?"

"The NinBook! Everything you need to know about handling a Ninten is in there!" Ana smiled. "Plus a dictionary of Ninglish terms!"

"Um..." Claus tried to think of a way to respond in a decently nice way. "Thanks?"

"Oh my god! I need one of those!" Ness exclaimed.

"Wait—where'd Ninten go?" Lucas asked suddenly, looking around. "Ninten! Netnin! Where'd you go!?"

"You called?" Ninten laughed, popping up out of nowhere with a bunch of Oreos. "Sorry, it was an emergency. Paula was out for my Oreos, so I kinda..."

"Dude! I have a crush on her! Did you...?" Ness exclaimed, Ninten nodding.

"Yeah...she's still alive though!...I think..."

"Oh my god Ninten..."

"I'm sorry! I don't like people getting near my Oreos!"

"You need mental help."

"You need more mental help than me."


End file.
